The same can be said for elections. As a candidate at the count, you have little idea how the election is unfolding outside. Sat up in bed at home in Pontrieux I was watching “Tory Boy” Robinson et al backpeddling from their pre-election predictions of a Labour catastrophe (a 1% increase in Labour’s vote wasn’t in the script). I was also keeping an eye on South Gloucestershire Council’s website, which for the first time was giving a results service.

Having noted that my good friend Matthew Riddle had successfuly defended his seat with a whopping Alan B’stard majority,  a congratulatory phone call was in order. I caught Matthew watching the count for the Thornbury seats. After pleasantries I spent the next ten minutes reading out results from the South Glos website, with Matthew relaying this information to others at the count. “I’ve got Gary Pepworth on the phone calling from France giving me the results”, does have a certain surrealism about it.

Alas, lest we marvel too much at the wonders of technology, the call dropped and soon after, to use a technical explanation, the South Glos elections website went tits up.

So far in each of the 5 seats I have contested I have come bottom, which has included the ignominy of being beaten by a joke candidate. My vote in 2003 was nearly halve that of 1999. I should make it clear that apart from 1950 when Tony Crosland was the MP, Thornbury is not Labour territory.

Even so this is not how I expected it to turn out. I had expected that some of the Pepworth magic that was successfully deployed in my student union election days would rub off. (For the purpose of vanity, I should point out that I was elected in each of the 6 elections I contested and topped the poll in 5. The last election being to become President of the students’ union.)

So tonight I will be spared having to conceal disappointment, listening to mutterings from the counting staff that “the Labour man isn’t doing well”, remonstrating with the returning officer that his staff aren’t counting the votes properly and at 3am Friday morning for a fleeting moment wondering that if I was really that desperate to be on the council perhaps I should grow a beard and/or don a floral print polyester dress and throw my lot in with the Lib Dems. I am not that desperate to be on the council.

Fraternal greetings to Bob Hall, Gillian Foxton, Colin Burgess and Alasdair Hall, your extremely talented and able Thornbury Labour candidates for South Gloucesterhire Council.